A Recipe For Crime

There are times when a bit of jabber can ease a situation. Sure, sometimes just showing up in a police uniform and saying "hello" can incite anger, but sometimes, changing the subject and talking about the weather can calm even the most crazed and enraged.

The other night, a fellow squad mate AC, got a call about a man running around in traffic at 3 in the morning. AC finds the guy-and finds that he's more than a bit drunk. After a routine check, AC finds out the guy has warrants. So for the guy's own safety and sake, AC rightfully decides to take him to jail for the night.

While coaxing him into handcuffs, the guy just starts talking and talking and talking about nothing, and arguing this and that. It's all the standards lines: "I ain't got warrants…I paid those…that ain't me…you had no reason to stop me…etc…"

So to change the subject, I interject and say, "hey man, let's stop arguing…besides, we should be talking more about what to bring to the BBQ on Sunday." Everybody digs food. Food makes you feel good. And if you're like me, BBQ is a favorite topic of discussion. In fact, I moved out West in part because there was only one (lame New England) BBQ joint in my old neighborhood. Now that I think about it, I think there were only two in the whole darn state. Sad.

Anyway, I tell the guy, "I'll tell you what, you bring the steaks, and I'll bring the ribs." A huge smile widens across the guy's face.

We start joking about who needs to bring the potato salad when I look over my shoulder. The good Corporal Ford is standing behind me with a look of shock and surprise. He tells me, "No, no, no…don't tell him that!" "Don't let him bring the steak!"

My first thought was, "OK, he can bring the potato salad." But then I realized that the BBQ was hypothetical and brining a warranted person to jail was real business.

"Should I let him bring the ribs instead?" I asked the Corporal.
"Yes!" he enthusiastically insists.

"Can he bring macaroni salad too?" I ask.
Corporal Ford laughingly replies, "Sure, just don't let him bring the steaks…his warrant is for stealing a steak from Wal-Mart!"

All the mouthwatering tastes of BBQ were replaced with shoe-leather as I realized just how far I stuck my foot in my mouth.

"Did you steal a steak?" I puzzlingly inquired.
"Mmm hmmm…was fixin' to cook it up real good too," the guy salivating-ly recalled.

And with a more authoritative tone, I explain "Yeah…you're not bringing the steak. Leave steak alone. We're keeping steak off the menu and off you're criminal record. No more steak, man. Just cook chicken…"

Yeah, I know, telling someone "chicken instead of steak" doesn't say much for authoritative admonishment.

Officer Jay Chiarito-Mazzarella