Let’s Play Custody!

Custody battles are typically ugly. And it seems that whatever feelings of love that initially brought people together, turn to hate once someone hires an attorney and schedules something in family court.

The legal wrangling, mediation hearings, and motions ad nauseam are enough to rip any sentiment of appreciation apart. But there’s an even worse side: when one parent alleges sexual misconduct against the other. And it happens more often than you think.

The other night, a call about a molestation had been holding for dispatch for hours (we truly don’t have enough officers on the streets). Besides, nobody volunteers for the molestation calls. So after a quick break after going from one call to the next, I told the dispatcher I’d take the molestation call. There’s good reason for trying to avoid molestation calls: if the allegations are true, you’re gonna carry some "emotional baggage" around with you like a sky cap at the airport. And if they’re not…well, let me explain…

A concerned mother called to report that her infant daughter had been molested by the child’s father (of course, mom and dad are in the middle of a custody battle. So after hearing mom describe in way too intimate detail what she thinks happened, I asked her a simple question: how’s this different from diaper rash? Asking this question must have prompted an abnormal growth of a second head from my neck because she looked at me as if I had two heads.

Mom quickly corrected me, "No, you see, it’s not that."

"OK, how do you know this is something criminal, and not something medical" I asked.

Mom replied, "Well, I don’t, but my attorney told me to…" Enough said.

I spent this next six hours waiting for paperwork, examination procedures, and following protocols. All the while I can’t help but think, how could anyone—for any reason—subject an infant to such an experience. Does the remark "do what’s best for the child(ren)" ever remind anyone during a custody case?

Oh, wait a minute, I forgot. Custody is the game of doing whatever it takes to make the other parent seem as despicable as possible, even if it means the equivalent of a pap smear for a 6 month-old. Heck, Parker Brothers should make a board game out of it: "Other parent alleges molestation…Go to Court. Do not pass "Go." Do not collect $200. Pay attorney $2000." We can all play Jeopardy, why not Custody! in the comfort of our own living rooms?

Seriously though, as a cop, if you handle a molestation case and the allegations are true, you’re probably scarred for life. If they’re unfounded, you’re gonna be frustrated and furious. Especially since it’s all fabrication, as it seems to have been in this case. The infant was perfectly fine, not even a diaper rash. Luckily, she is so young that she’ll have no recollection of the ordeal.

Silly me. Custody isn’t about the children. Sorry, whose turn is it to roll the dice?

Off. Jay Chiarito-Mazzarella

Comments

[Kim]

Oooh, I HATE that. Or when they call to make a child stealing report because they are late from visitation. I asked a guy once, "How do you think the kids feel having their mom and dad calling the cops on each other?"

I was lucky, my parents didn't do stuff like this. But, just the knowledge that I could have been in that situation makes me want to scream at people.

However, I would much rather the report be false than true. Because, yeah, it's a bad thing to do, but if it were true, that would be worse.

[Kat]

Don't even get me started! Not only can the child be scarred for life depending on age but the innocent parent who has been accused is too. Just the hint of something like that can ruin someones life. Years down the road it still haunts you. Never mind that the charges were dismissed and 3 weeks after the mother threw her initial hissy fit she decides it's not worth the trouble to follow through... It's still the reason your daughter doesn't live with you and your house is what would be considered the better homelife. No drugs, stepmom is a stay at home mom who is big into PTA. The family courts can be one screwed up system my friends.

[Valerie in Florida]

Although I empathize with your dilemma, may I ask as a parent of a child who was molested by his father, what would convince you that the report was not a custody ploy? I was treated just as you described. A judge granted unsupervised visitation out of state to the accused molester even after Department for Children and Families (DCF) recommended supervised visits in-state. The judge directed his comments to me: “I’ve seen these cases before. You are just a bitter, divorced woman who is trying to ruin her ex-husband’s life.” The baby is too young to remember (4 now) but my 8 year old is still in therapy. These kids are emotionally torn – loving a parent whose only acceptance comes in the form of “games under the covers” and video games. My boys DO come first. They are “allowed” to love their father, encouraged to pray for him and decide what their relationship will be without feeling guilt of betrayal from me. My primary goal is to protect them from further harm.

[Officer Jay]

Valerie, et al.,

Before I answer your question, please let me sincerely say that I’m sorry to hear of your situation—for yourself, your kids, and your family.

You asked what would convince me that the report of molestation was not a custody ploy? Well, it’s not that I need convincing—there wasn’t anything to even remotely suggest something happened. As I mentioned, there wasn’t even a diaper rash. Nothing. I asked her about a hundred times what she thought happened, and she more or less came up with nothing. It seemed that the mother bought the child there because of a suggestion from her lawyer—and nothing more.

There are a lot of things I didn’t mention about this case (due to confidentiality) but for the most part, the mother’s demeanor was truly suspect. She was giddy and chatting away as if she was getting a mani-/pedi- and gossiping about the latest episode of “Grey’s Anotomy” while her infant was “being investigated.”

Somehow, I think that if a mother or father truly believed something terrible happened with their child, they’d be far more concerned, angry, or something. This lady wasn’t. She was hardly concerned about the child—but very concerned about getting all the copies of the paperwork regarding the investigation.

Attitude may not be everything, but it sure says a lot.

As a cop, you learn to formulate nearly instant impressions—but never conclusions. That’s why we investigate things. And in this case. The investigation fortunately yielded nothing more than a custody ploy.

Also, by no means whatsoever am I making light of molestations that unfortunately occur. They’re tragic, unfortunate, and real. And believe me, there isn’t a cop in world that wouldn’t work around the clock and beyond exhaustion to investigate a crime committed against a child.